Monday, May 24, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Happy 19th Birthday
I cant believe it has been 19 years since I had my first baby. Where does the time go? I realize now, I was just a baby myself. My first baby is almost the same age as when I had him (19 and a half); that's the thing that really blows my mind. I sure didn't feel like a teenager since I had pretty much been on my own since I was 14. He was a huge surprise and something I never even realized I wanted. I did not find out I was pregnant until I was in my second trimester and I remember weighing the options was so HARD (funny now but no one ever presented adoption as one of my options). I had always said I would NEVER have kids and didn't particularly like most kids. I know now that I was SCARED I would be a parent like my Mother, because that's all I ever knew a Mother to be, and I NEVER wanted to subject an innocent defenseless child to what I had endured. I was afraid the minute I became a Mother I would turn into her (the dragon). Thank god I had the will to resist all the urges and found a way to parent in kindness.
I still remember the day he was born. I had gone a month over due and had waited the whole pregnancy to find out what he was. I was sure I was having a girl. I had to get my first ultrasound done when I was 3 weeks overdue and DID NOT want to know the sex but told her I was SURE it was a girl. She flat out came out and told me it was a boy. I remember crying for days. Not because I didn't want a boy but because I was a single Mother who didn't know what her future held but had convinced herself she could raise a fairly decent girl on her own if she had to. Talk about bubbles being burst. Mark had joined the Marines before we knew I was pregnant and had to go to basic right before Christmas about 4-6 weeks after we found out about the baby. Now remember this was 1990-1991 and he had enlisted DURING the first Persian gulf war. Who knew what was going to happen and I was so scared to raise a son without his Father. Little did I know I would spend most of the pregnancy, the birth and first twelves months of our sons life raising him alone while Mark served our country. Boy was that hard. I was still technically a teenager, working full time and raising by myself one of the most difficult babies ever. I know I didn't sleep for a year and knew if I got through that without the dragon coming out then things would be okay and they were.
Back to his birth, I remember holding him hours after he was born, feeling true happiness and pure joy for the first time in my life. I had just witnessed first hand the miracle of birth for the first time and life had new meaning and purpose from that point on. I also remember looking down at him and feeling this overwhelming weight of the world on my shoulders because here is this tiny, defenseless miracle that is totally dependent on ME. TOTALLY!! I remember thinking who and what this little child is and what he becomes is totally dependent on what I do as a parent from this point on. Talk about pressure before your even 20. That day my children became my life.
Happy 19th Birthday my Son. You are everything a Mother can be proud of and if I had only known how truly AMAZING you would turn out to be I would never have spent one second worrying. I am proud to have been a part of who and what you have become and look forward to watching the world become a better place because your in it. I hope you find true joy and happiness in this life as I found the day you were born. Who would of ever thought the surprise I never knew I wanted would change my life and become my everything. You have no idea how hard it has been this past year letting you go but I knew I had to do it so I could see you soar on your own. I hope you are even half as proud to have me as a parent as I am to have you as my Son. I love you with all my heart.
I still remember the day he was born. I had gone a month over due and had waited the whole pregnancy to find out what he was. I was sure I was having a girl. I had to get my first ultrasound done when I was 3 weeks overdue and DID NOT want to know the sex but told her I was SURE it was a girl. She flat out came out and told me it was a boy. I remember crying for days. Not because I didn't want a boy but because I was a single Mother who didn't know what her future held but had convinced herself she could raise a fairly decent girl on her own if she had to. Talk about bubbles being burst. Mark had joined the Marines before we knew I was pregnant and had to go to basic right before Christmas about 4-6 weeks after we found out about the baby. Now remember this was 1990-1991 and he had enlisted DURING the first Persian gulf war. Who knew what was going to happen and I was so scared to raise a son without his Father. Little did I know I would spend most of the pregnancy, the birth and first twelves months of our sons life raising him alone while Mark served our country. Boy was that hard. I was still technically a teenager, working full time and raising by myself one of the most difficult babies ever. I know I didn't sleep for a year and knew if I got through that without the dragon coming out then things would be okay and they were.
Back to his birth, I remember holding him hours after he was born, feeling true happiness and pure joy for the first time in my life. I had just witnessed first hand the miracle of birth for the first time and life had new meaning and purpose from that point on. I also remember looking down at him and feeling this overwhelming weight of the world on my shoulders because here is this tiny, defenseless miracle that is totally dependent on ME. TOTALLY!! I remember thinking who and what this little child is and what he becomes is totally dependent on what I do as a parent from this point on. Talk about pressure before your even 20. That day my children became my life.
Happy 19th Birthday my Son. You are everything a Mother can be proud of and if I had only known how truly AMAZING you would turn out to be I would never have spent one second worrying. I am proud to have been a part of who and what you have become and look forward to watching the world become a better place because your in it. I hope you find true joy and happiness in this life as I found the day you were born. Who would of ever thought the surprise I never knew I wanted would change my life and become my everything. You have no idea how hard it has been this past year letting you go but I knew I had to do it so I could see you soar on your own. I hope you are even half as proud to have me as a parent as I am to have you as my Son. I love you with all my heart.
New Blog
I decided to start a new blog. My other blog was started as a way to chronicle my journey of our first adoption. I am so glad I did that and will have it printed and bound someday for Meliah and Khai (and Mommy :) I think we have outgrown that blog and it is time to start a more general blog that deals with our everyday life as we are living it.
I am not sure if anyone is even following my old blog anymore since it has been so long since i updated. My Husband got me one of those crackberries and it is just so much easier with my busy life with the kids to just facebook on that but I really loved my blog and miss it (hopefully blackberry has a free blogger app). I especially love going back to the beginning and reading all the old posts and pictures. Life with children just seems to fly by and it is such a great way to slow it down and document everyday. Remember most the time I will be typing with my only 1 free hand and half my brain (because littles will be occupying the rest) so please don't expect perfection.
I am not sure if anyone is even following my old blog anymore since it has been so long since i updated. My Husband got me one of those crackberries and it is just so much easier with my busy life with the kids to just facebook on that but I really loved my blog and miss it (hopefully blackberry has a free blogger app). I especially love going back to the beginning and reading all the old posts and pictures. Life with children just seems to fly by and it is such a great way to slow it down and document everyday. Remember most the time I will be typing with my only 1 free hand and half my brain (because littles will be occupying the rest) so please don't expect perfection.
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